


I think I Can Actually Love You

by stargays



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:47:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28973058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargays/pseuds/stargays
Summary: The story of Tasha Yar and Deanna Troi. TW// Smut, self harm, rape
Relationships: Deanna Troi/Tasha Yar
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

Ever since Tasha Yar became a lieutenant at the Enterprise, she felt as though she was a perfect fit. Everyone around her had welcomed her with open arms, making sure she felt as comfortable as possible at all times. Geordi La Forge became a quick friend, always offering her support in the hard times that hit at the beginning of her stay on board. Similarly, Data was supportive of most of her wishes and was someone she considered a friend. Riker and Picard were those she trusted and respected highly, Worf someone she could admire for his strength. But there was one person she hesitated opening up to: Counselor Deanna Troi. 

Something about the way she sensed others put Tasha off. She’d never been one for nosy people, especially those whose jobs were to pry into other people’s lives. Not to mention a person who could do so just by intuition and power alone... She’d been through a hell of a lot in her almost 30 years, and she hadn’t intended on letting anyone at the Enterprise know it. For all they know, she was a bright young lady ready to take on any challenges that face her. Her past and internal feelings had nothing to do with them whatsoever, so why should they know?

Being a half Betazoid, Deanna was highly empathetic towards everyone on board. Ever since Tasha arrived, she felt drawn to her in some way that she had never experienced before in her life. She wanted to get close to her and yet, the blonde woman never batted an eye in her direction. Every time she was near, she felt tension... uncertainty. It was as though Yar was screaming to get out every time they were in a room together. And something else that Deanna had never experienced was how hard it was to read Tasha. It was as if padlocks surrounded her thoughts, keeping even the most telepathic people out of reach. But why? Why was it so hard to understand her? What was she so desperately hiding?


	2. Chapter Two

“Riker to Yar, report to the Bridge.” 

The voice alerted the communicator located on Tasha’s chest, breaking her attention from the thoughts scattering her mind. She’d gone to get a drink and relax for a while, alone, and luckily no one had seemed to bother her in her time there. It was nice for once, not to have anyone bothering her, nothing to focus on or do. It was... serene. 

It had been a most difficult day, her mind racing with thoughts she hadn’t thought of in years. Experiences that she’d been through intruding her mind and forcing her negative emotions to the surface. She was never one to drink, usually, but something had to stop them. A nice glass of whiskey, or three, would definitely be the trick. Especially since there was nothing else planned for that day, she had planned an evening of relaxation. Perhaps even a little time on the Holodeck. Alas... duty awaited. 

After letting out a light sigh, she tapped the communicator lightly. 

“Acknowledged.” 

Picking up her cup for the last time, she downs the rest of her drink and sets it back down, pushing it towards Guinan, the only person who she’d interacted with for the past hour. 

“Needed back so soon?” the woman asks, taking the glass to discard of. 

Another sigh escapes the blonde’s lips, head nodding before the words could leave her lips. “You know how it is,”

“I do,” Guinan replies, a soft smile appearing on her lips. “Good luck with whatever it may be.”

“Thank you.” Tasha says simply, forcing a smile on her face before sliding off of the stool, heading towards the bridge. 

As soon as she entered the Bridge, Deanna felt a strong sense of pain in her chest. Not physical pain but emotional... so deep and raw and utterly terrible. Upon turning her head, she found the sorce: Tasha. A soft frown adorned her features as the blonde stepped inside entirely, a faux smile rested on her lips. 

“Ah, yes, Lieutenant Yar,” Picard says, standing up from his chair. “We have been hailed by a passing Romulan ship and demanded some supplies. You have been requested to join an away team to the planet Romulus to discuss and negotiate some terms with them. I suspect you are ready for such missions?”

‘Great’ she thought, her heart sinking in her chest. With the amount of things on her mind, she felt weary of this mission and how well she’d be able to perform. However, there was absolutely no way she was letting any of them know something was wrong. 

“Oh, um...” she stutters momentarily, meeting his eyes a moment later, “Of course, Captain. I’m ready to leave whenever necessary.” she finally replies, the faux smile making its way back on her face as soon as she stopped speaking. 

“Good,” Picard says with a nod, turning his head to Riker. “Number One, gather the rest of your away team and head to Transporter Room 3. Alert me if anything goes wrong.”

“Yes, sir.” Riker replies with a grin, waving on Tasha and Worf before heading to Engineering to grab Geordi. 

Deanna’s eyes never left Yar the entire time she was on the Bridge, unable to shake the feeling that something was wrong. Though she could sense the negativity practically radiating off of the woman, there was also an overall sense of secrecy... as if she knew something she shouldn’t. Her gut told her to remain quiet, and so she did. 

Tasha followed behind the two men, allowing the smile to fall from her lips. She avoided eye contact with passerbys, not wanting any more attention than she was already receiving. As soon as they retrieved La Forge, they headed straight to the Transporter room.


	3. Chapter 3

Transporting never felt more wrong for Tasha, an odd feeling pounding in her chest. That same feeling she had felt all day, just twenty times worse than before. Holding her phaser up, she energizes on the planet and adjusts her eyes to the sun bearing down on them. After looking around and seeing no threats, she lowers her weapon and awaits movement from her team before heading forward. 

They walked for a while before arriving their destination, the Romulans awaiting them outside of the unfamiliar building. They were lead inside a meeting hall and asked to sit down in the chairs on one side of the elongated table, a small screen to the right of the table against a wall. 

After finally being able to sit down after walking for so long, Tasha thought she might be able to relax. But as soon as she hit the chair, she felt her brain and body go practically numb to everything around her. Though she could tell that they were beginning to speak, nothing was making sense to her. It was as though they were speaking a foreign language, everything entering her head as a jumbled mess. It was as though seconds and hours were passing by all at once and no matter how hard she tried to focus on what was happening, she just couldn’t. 

Suddenly she felt a gentle shake to her shoulder, Geordi looking straight at her. 

“Aren’t you coming?” he asks, his voice as friendly as ever. 

Nothing left her mouth, a look of confusion engulfing her features unknowingly. 

“A recess, Lieutenant Yar.” Riker pipes in, standing at the entryway of the hall. 

A snicker met her ears from the other side of the table, turning her attention to the obviously amused Romulans sitting there. She gave them a glare before standing, walking to the room next door along with the rest of her team. 

Sitting down on one of the chairs, her attention is drawn to the window beside her. Riker begins talking almost immediately, probing the rest with questions and suggestions of what to do. Tasha knew she should be paying attention but she just... couldn’t. Everything felt wrong and off and-

“Lieutenant Yar! Are you even listening?” Riker asks, his loud voice slicing through every ounce of positivity she once had. 

Her head slowly turns towards him and away from the window, swallowing hard to push down anything she had to say. 

“I-“

“What is wrong with you today? First you don’t speak at the meeting, then you don’t get up for recess, and now you’re not even trying to pay attention. This is highly unlike you.” the commander interrupts, his arms folded across his broad chest. 

Blue eyes shifted between Riker and the other members of the team, all of them staring directly at her. She couldn’t even process what was going on before someone else spoke up. 

“The Romulans were even taking notice. Starfleet officers are expected to act much more attentively. They were laughing at us.” Worf’s deep voice interjected, eyes as intense as ever. 

A moment of silence goes by full of stares, Tasha attempting to find the right words to say without giving anything important away. 

“I... I guess I’m just distracted.” she says quietly, eyes cascaded down to the table. 

“Then maybe it’s best you don’t help on this mission. It may not be a dangerous one, but we still need the best minds available for this situation.” Riker replies, lowering his arms from his chest. 

Yar looks up at the brown haired man, tears prickling at her eyes, threatening to come out. “Sir, I-“

But before she could get anything more out, a chime sounded as the commander presses his communicator. 

“Riker to Enterprise.” he begins, pausing for a moment before speaking again, “Be ready to beam one aboard.”

“Acknowledged, Number One.” Picard replies, without further question. 

“Oh, and have Commander Data beam down to Romulus. We’ll need another brain to figure this one out.” Riker adds, eyeing the blonde before standing up. 

“Tasha,” he says, walking over to her and resting a hand on his back. “You better be going.” 

Nodding slowly, she stands to her feet and walks to an empty space in the room, closing her eyes as she’s transported back aboard the ship.


	4. Chapter 4

Once she felt herself energize back on the ship, she allowed her eyes to reopen. After looking around for a moment, her eyes landed on that of Captain Picard. He did not look happy to see her. 

“Lieutenant,” he began, tone as offputting as ever. “I would like to see you in my Ready Room in five minutes. Please collect yourself and prepare to talk. You have much to explain.”

Before saying anything more, or even allowing her to speak, he turns and walks out, leaving her alone. She exhales audibly, stepping off the transporter and heading towards the Ready Room. She walked slowly, seeing as she had five minutes, trying to collect her thoughts as much as she possibly could. What was she even going to say? He was her Captain, and she trusted him, but there was something holding her back. She didn’t want to have to explain everything to him; it was far too complex and intricate to explain quickly. 

Before she knew it, she’d arrived, still in no closer place to figuring out what to do. She hit the bell to chime her arrival, entering at the sound of his voice telling her to enter. She sits down quickly and quietly, resting her clammy palms on her legs.

“As far as I am aware, Lieutenant Yar, you have been unable to complete your duties on this mission. Why?” Picard asks, hands folded and resting on the desk in front of him. His voice was stern, not overly caring or emotional, and almost... empty. She knew he was acting as a Captain should, given the circumstances, but she just couldn’t handle that right now. 

“I don’t know,” she says simply, voice shaking and quiet and eyes rested on one of the books lying on the desk. 

“Speak up, and look at me when I’m talking to you.” the Captain says, voice raised ever so slightly. 

Tasha’s chest tightened, tears once again attempting to force their way from her eyes. She takes a shallow breath, eyes slowly moving to meet his. 

“I don’t know, sir. I’ve been distracted all day and-“

“Being distracted should never interfere with one’s mission. Do you know how dangerous it could have been? You know how the Romulans act!” Picard interrupts, slamming his fist on the table. 

The smaller blonde flinches slightly at the sound of impact, retracting into the chair she was sitting in. Upon seeing her reaction, the older man relaxes his previously tensed body, a sigh leaving his lips. 

“My apologies, Lieutenant.” he says after a moment, retracting his hands to his lap. He takes a rather awkward pause before speaking up once more. “I’ve never been good with uh... expressing my feelings.” 

After taking a shaky deep breath in to steady herself, Yar builds up the courage to respond. 

“Me either,” 

Picard nods slowly, leaning back into his chair. “So you’ve been... distracted have you? What about?”

“A lot,” she begins, pushing herself to say more. “Things from my past, sir. They seem to have made their way back into the present somehow.”

A moment or so goes by before the Captain responds, taking in her statement and attempting to make the best efforts possible to get his Lieutenant back. 

“Perhaps someone can help. What about Counselor Troi? She is trained to deal with such things.” he suggests, eyes focused on her as she tenses. 

“I don’t know about that, Captain...” she says hesitantly, head shaking slowly. 

“But if these ‘thoughts’ of yours are interfering with your work as they have done today, something must be done about them.” 

“I just don’t think she can help me, is all.” Tasha replies quickly, arms folding over her chest. “I’ll be fine, sir. I can assure you that.”

Picard narrows his eyes at the woman slightly, almost as if he was trying to detect her intentions. He then nods, letting out a sigh of defeat. “Very well... I hope you are right. You may be dismissed.”

Without a second to spare, Yar rises from her seat and heads to her own room, prepared to spend the rest of it alone. Upon arrival, she sits on her bed, a heavy exhale leaving her lips. 

How could she let this happen? These thoughts have been invading her mind for weeks now, here and there, but she was usually able to shut them out. But these past two days have been hell, evil thoughts penetrating her mind no matter how many good things she thought of. And now it was affecting her work, and all of the ship was taking notice. Not too long before everyone knows she was asked to leave the mission. 

The tears that had threatened her all day finally found their escape, cascading down her cheeks in streams as she stared at the ceiling above her bed. Her breaths were shallow, hitching every so often as her body attempted to sob. There was so much hurt locked inside, with no way out, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. 

She felt so unbearably alone, her chest aching with pain as she sat up in the bed. Her head turns to gaze at herself in the mirror, face red and eyes puffy from crying for so long. She didn’t know how long it had been, but the once bustling halls outside her room were now quiet. Hushed with the dead of night. 

Standing up from the bed, Tasha walks to her vanity and opens a drawer, pulling out a plain set of pajamas she’d had for ages. Just another memory from a lifetime far away, a lifetime that attempts to make itself known and remembered every second of every day. A lifetime she wishes to forget completely, one that has hurt her more than she could even know. 

She strips of her uniform, folding it and placing it on the dresser, before meeting her own eyes in the mirror. Her gaze lowers to her chest, then to her hips, a feeling of utter disgust filling her body. This happened often. She didn’t quite know why, but ever since she could remember, she’s hated looking in the mirror. 

Averting her eyes, she unclasps her bra and removes it from her body, sliding it into another drawer. Bending over, she could feel her breasts against her stomach, causing her body to tense. She hated that feeling more than anything, but she didn’t know why. She didn’t know a lot of things. 

Taking another look at herself, practically naked, she feels herself growing emotional once more. She hated everything she saw staring back at her. Her hips and the way they slightly protruded from her body, the femininity in her hands and legs... and her breasts. Her breasts weren’t large by any means, but she’s always hated them. Perhaps if they were larger and more appealing, she would feel comfortable with having them. But she just... never liked them. 

She remembered being a young child, chest flatter than ever, running topless through the field behind her house. The boys often played this way in the summer, as it got rather hot on Turkana IV. Her mother allowed this for a while, but around the time Tasha turned 6, she began to change her perspective. She remembered that conversation as if it happened just yesterday...

*

A freshly 6 year old Tasha walks proudly through her childhood home in nothing but a pair of denim shorts and a pair of ragged shoes she usually played in. Her curly blonde hair was pulled up, a look of determination as she made her way to the door. Her mother, Tatianna, was in the family room watching a program on the television like device. 

As she caught her daughter heading outside, she cleared her throat to make herself known. 

“Natasha, darling, won’t you come see mommy a moment?” she says, patting the cushion next to her. 

The young girl obeys, skipping over and plopping her tiny body onto the couch. “Yes?” she asks innocently, big blue eyes gazing up at the woman. 

“I have something... rather difficult to tell you. Are you prepared to hear it?” 

Tasha’s face scrunches in confusion for a moment before nodding. “Okay, mommy.”

“You know how the boys play without their shirts on during the summer? And how I allow you to do the same?” Tatianna asks, voice gentle and soft. 

The girl nods. “Uh-huh.”

“Well... we can’t do that anymore, okay? You have to start wearing a shirt when you go and play, especially when you’re with your friends.”

A frown formed on the girl’s face, arms crossing over her chest. “But why? Why can they do it but not me?!”

A gentle hand made its way to the girl’s thigh, rubbing it reassuringly. “I know it’s hard to understand... but it’s just not appropriate. In a while you’ll begin looking different, and the boys will begin to notice. Girls aren’t supposed to-“

“But I don’t wanna be different!” Tasha interrupts, voice rather loud for a girl of her size. “I’m not different!”

A soft sigh leaves her mother’s lips, heart practically breaking in her chest. She hated being the deliverer of bad news, but that comes with being a parent. 

“I know this is hard to take in, honey. But you are different, in some ways. You see, girls have different bodies than boys do. Soon, you will begin to change in ways that you don’t know yet. You must understand that with these changes come other changes, like wearing shirts outside.”

“But, why?” she asks, hundreds of questions running through her mind. 

“I can’t tell you that, baby. You just have to trust me.”

*

As soon as her breasts began growing, she covered up as much as she could. She could feel the boys staring any time she wore anything tight fitting, causing her insecurities to grow tenfold. 

The girls around her were different, somehow. They were all comfortable and confident in their changing bodies. It made her angry that she couldn’t feel the same way. 

Most girls were also more developed than she was, causing teasing. The boys would make fun of how small her breasts were, poking fun at how childlike she seemed in that sense. This only caused her hatred for her body to grow. 

*

As she looked at herself, she felt nothing but negativity flowing through her veins. She felt so sad but also so angry. The inclination to punch the mirror was high, but she stopped herself quickly by dressing as fast as she could and turning off the lights. 

Sleep was hard to come by considering all the thoughts racing through her head. She spent hours staring at the wall, then the ceiling, then the other wall as she tossed and turned. Eventually comfort must have overtaken her, sleep taking over her body to allow her some peace. But morning would always come, and the pain would continue once more.


	5. Chapter 5

Tasha awoke to her alarm, one that she probably would have forgotten to set had it not been automatic. Given it was a weekend, she allowed herself an extra two hours of sleep, which was much needed after the day she’d had previous. 

After getting ready and avoiding anything that might set her off, she headed to the dining hall to have something to eat. Upon walking in, she felt the stares from the other people, the voices once loud fading to silence as she walked to the bar. 

Guinan greeted her with a warm smile, Tasha returning the best one she could muster up. 

“You feeling any better?” the woman asks genuinely. “I heard about what happened yesterday.”

Yar’s chest tightened, heart sinking into her stomach. “Does everyone know?” 

The other woman sighs softly, a look of sympathy on her face. She truly did feel terrible that this all was happening. “You know how it is on this ship... Word gets around fast.”

The blonde nods slowly, knowing that this was a possibility. Though she hoped that it wouldn’t happen, she knew it could. 

“I’m feeling... alright.” she finally says, forcing a smile onto her face. The least she could do was pretend to be alright. 

“Well that’s good.” Guinan replies, pausing for a moment before breaking the silence. “So, your usual?” 

“Oh,” Tasha says, almost having forgotten what she was there for. “Please.”

She ate her breakfast alone and in silence, trying not to think about what her brain wanted her to think about. She finished quickly, as her usual breakfast was just a bagel, and set out to spend a little time on the holodeck. 

However, on her way to there, she receives a call on the communicator. 

“Captain Picard to Lieutenant Yar, please meet me in my Ready Room as soon as possible. We need to speak.”

Dread filled her entire body as she stopped in her tracks, exhaling deeply before turning around to head the other direction. Upon arriving, she chimes her presence and enters upon approval, sitting in the designated chair. 

“So, I’ve spoken to Commander Riker and Lieutenant Commander La Forge about yesterday’s events. I have come to the decision that we must take action immediately.” Picard states, wasting no time in getting to the point. “Therefore, I have alerted Counselor Troi that you will begin having sessions every week, starting today.”

A shocked expression appears on Tasha’s features, frustration filling her body. “But sir, I-“

“Enough of the excuses, Lieutenant! You will be seeing Counselor Troi, and that is an order!” he interjects, standing from his chair. 

The woman’s mouth stayed agape for a moment before closing it and taking a deep breath. She stands from her chair and walks towards the entrance to the room. 

“Permission to be excused.” she asks, eyes averted from his gaze. 

“Fine. Your first session with Counselor Troi is scheduled for 1200 hours. I expect you be on time; I will hear otherwise.” the Captain finishes, watching as the Lieutenant walks out the door. 

Tasha heads straight for the holodeck, seeing as she had a bit of time to spare, and programmed it to the Turkana IV program she’d created. Being on her home planet made her feel at ease, so she figured this was the best place to be. But as she walked through the empty forest, one replicated after the one near her own childhood home, she felt nothing but anger. 

She was angry. Angry at herself for not having been able to hold herself together, angry at Picard for forcing her to have counseling sessions, angry at the ship’s people for pitying her, and angry at Troi. Angry at Troi for even being there, for having the capabilities she had, for having to listen to her problems. 

Feeling the need to blow off steam, Tasha approaches a tree and punches it without thinking. She takes a pause to think before punching the tree again, over and over, screaming into the empty void. 

After a few moments she gives up, falling to her knees on the grass beneath her. She topples over to her side and begins to sob, letting out all the emotions she had been so desperately trying to push down inside of her. 

She lays in the grass for what seems like hours, allowing herself to get lost in the sounds of nature around her. The birds chirping, the insects buzzing, the breeze blowing the trees’ limbs... all so serene. But her mind was racing with thoughts she could not control any longer. 

Tasha stands to her feet, taking a deep breath and bracing herself for what was to come next in her day. 

“Holodeck: Exit Program.”

The forest around her fades to nothing, an empty room engulfing her once more, reminding her of where she truly was. With a heavy heart, she makes her way out the door and towards Counselor Troi’s office.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Rape mention

Deanna could feel Tasha’s presence before she even chimed the doorbell. Her senses were so strong that she’d practically been able to feel her emotions all day long. She could tell the level of hurt was strong, and she felt nothing but sorrow for the woman. 

“Come in,” she says, shocking the blonde on the other side. She hadn’t alerted her that she had arrived... but then again, she was half Betazoid. 

Tasha steps inside Troi’s office, sitting down in one of the chairs as the brunette motioned to it. 

“It’s so glad to finally see you personally, Lieutenant. We haven’t seemed to be alone together just yet.” the counselor says, voice silky and smooth. It made Yar sick. 

“Likewise,” she says, tone flat. Though she was being ordered to take these sessions, no one said she had to comply completely. She had no plans of doing so. 

Deanna could sense the stand-off nature she was being met with, but she had no intentions of stepping down. 

“I can sense the sadness you feel. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about why you’re feeling this way?” 

Crossing her arms over her chest, Tasha turns her head in the opposite direction of the other woman in attempts to ignore her. She remains silent, not feeling as though she had to respond. She had nothing to say to Troi, after all. 

A soft sigh met the silent air before Deanna spoke again, not yet giving up. “Look, I don’t know why you’re upset, but I can tell it’s a lifetime of pain. I feel much hurt coming from you...” she begins softly, hands rubbing slightly on the fabric covering her thighs. “I understand it may be difficult to speak, but I am here to listen and offer you the best advice possible. That is what I’m trained to do, after all.”

Yar didn’t know why, but she began to feel herself fill with rage. Not specifically at the woman accompanying her, but at everything else. Deanna wasn’t so bad, actually, but she couldn’t help but project that frustration out on her. 

“That’s the problem,” she says, eyes still gazing at the minimalist decorations scattered around that side of the office. She then turns her head to look at the Betazoid, expression stern. “I don’t want to speak to you.” she spat. 

The counselor was taken aback, not used to such behaviors from the blonde. Though she didn’t know her personally yet, she didn’t seem to be this cruel on the Bridge. Everyone always had nice things to say about Lieutenant Yar. So what was this?

“So who would you like to speak to?” she asks, keeping her tone calm. 

Tasha pauses, not having expected that response. “Uh....” she stammers, trying to find the right words to say. “Honestly, I’d rather not speak to anyone at all.”

“I understand how you feel, Lieutenant. Sometimes the easiest thing to do in these situations is to hide away; blocking everything and everyone else out. But that’s not healthy.” Deanna begins to explain, shifting her weight to sit up straighter. 

“You see, the more you push these things down, the more they grow. You may think you’re doing good by ignoring them, but that just gives time for those problems to grow into something monstrous. Eventually they will take over and destroy you.”

The taller woman’s gaze remained fixed on her lap, mind resonating with the things the counselor was saying. She really was good at her job... Maybe these sessions wouldn’t be so bad after all. 

“I’m afraid that might already be the case,” Tasha says softly, tears beginning to stream down her pale cheeks. 

Troi was used to seeing people cry during sessions, something that usually didn’t phase her anymore. But for the first time since the beginning of her career as a counselor, she wanted to cry too. Seeing this woman so sad and vulnerable ignited something in the Betazoid, wanting nothing more to wrap her up in her arms. Of course, professionally, that would be inappropriate, but she wanted nothing more than to hold that woman. Nothing more. 

“What do you mean, Tasha?” 

Wiping her eyes, the blonde looks back up at the counselor. “It’s been getting worse every day... the flashbacks are so intense and seem so real. My thoughts are always negative, and they’re always going. I can’t seem to stop it and I don’t think I can handle it much longer, Counselor. I can’t do this anymore,” her breath hitches in her throat as it tightens, tears continuing to stream from her hazy eyes. “I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I can’t do it,” she repeats, rocking her body back and forth as she begins to sob. 

Deanna rushes over to the blonde, kneeling down slightly to reach her level. She places her hands on the woman’s shoulders, shushing her softly. 

“Tasha... Can you try and calm down for me? I don’t want you to make yourself sick.” the counselor says gently, rubbing her shoulders supportively. 

The Lieutenant nods, sniffling as she tries to get herself to calm down enough to speak coherently. 

“Good, good... Now, I want to start by telling you that you are not alone. You have me, and the Captain, and all your other team members on your side. You can always come to one of us if you’re feeling down.” the brunette says, looking into the woman’s eyes. “I know your instinct is to isolate, but you have to understand that that’s making it worse. Talking to people is hard, but you don’t even have to do that. Just being around someone else may make you feel a bit better.”

Tasha listens intently, nodding slowly along to the worlds that leave Deanna’s lips. In this moment she begins to realize her true, genuine intentions. She feels the caring nature she exudes, almost like the best hug she’d ever received. 

The counselor returns to her chair, crossing her legs as she gets herself comfortable. 

“So, Tasha, why don’t you tell me about some of these flashbacks. What are they about?”

The blonde exhales audibly, shaking her head. “Lots of things...”

“Well, why not tell me about the most reoccurring one? That’s a good start.” she suggests. 

“Alright...” Yar begins, attempting to pinpoint what to start with. “I guess... some of the times I’ve been taken advantage of come to mind often.” 

“Taken advantage of? In what way?” Deanna asks, not entirely understanding what the other woman meant. 

“... Sexually,” she answers, voice full of hurt. 

“Oh, Natasha....” the counselor says, feeling her heart sink. “I’m so sorry... how many times did that happen to you?”

“A couple,” she says, blinking a few tears from her eyes and wiping them quickly. “Rape gangs were everywhere on Turkana IV... they were hard to avoid.”

“Turkana IV... Is that your home planet?” Deanna asks, tilting her head slightly. 

“Yes it is.”

“I wasn’t aware things were so bad there... How were you exposed to these gangs?”

“They were everywhere. After my parents died, I took care of my sister, Ishara. Since I was the eldest, I took charge of feeding us. We didn’t have much money, and we were on the bad side of the planet. Those rape gangs were everywhere and I did anything I could to keep us safe...” Yar explains, voice fading out as she felt the sadness wash over her. 

“I’m so sorry...” the brunette said, tears glazing her eyes. She had heard Yar had a hard life, but she truly had no idea. “I respect you for your bravery, Lieutenant. You shouldn’t have had to go through that... life is so unfair to the best people.”

Another sniffle escapes Tasha as she wipes her cheeks, nodding her head. “Those memories just play in my mind all the time... the way I felt and how horrible it was. The smells, the sounds... everything comes back. Sometimes I see them on the ship, hiding among the shadows. It’s like I can’t escape.”

“I can assure you that no one on this ship is going to harm you. And if I have any say in it, no one will hurt you ever again.” 

Tasha feels a pull at her heart, something she hadn’t felt in years. She wanted something close, but she didn’t know what. Until she did. 

“Counselor Troi?” she speaks up, voice raw. 

“I know professionalism says otherwise, but please call me Deanna.”

“Okay... Deanna?”

“Yes, Natasha?”

“Can I have a hug?”

Deanna didn’t say anything more, she simply made her way over to the woman and took her in her arms, holding until she was comfortable enough to let go. She felt the taller woman relax her muscles, breaths slowing to a steady pattern. 

Once she lightened her grip, the other woman let go, pulling away from her. 

“Are you okay?” the counselor asks, wanting to be sure the woman didn’t need anything else. 

Tasha nods her head, giving what would be the most genuine smile she’d given in weeks. Though she wasn’t cured, she did feel a bit better. 

“So I’ll see you next week then?” the counselor spoke up. 

“Yes. Yes you will.”

“Then I look forward to it.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Child abuse mention, rape mention, death mention

The week leading up to Tasha’s next session with Counselor Troi was somewhat better than the last. She has taken the woman’s advice in seeking company from friends, usually either Data or Geordi, in her hardest times. 

They were nice company, Geordi making note to crack jokes in attempts to cheer her up. Data was a good conversationalist, his extensive brain knowledge always a good distraction from her own thoughts. 

And despite this, she still never felt truly as happy and comfortable as she did that afternoon with Deanna Troi. There was something about that woman that made her feel safe. Sure, she was a licensed and certified Counselor, but there was something more to her. Something she wanted to discover. 

Every time she was on the Bridge or in any room with the brunette, she felt more at ease than any other time. She couldn’t help but want to be close to her, wanting every ounce of comfort she could get. She wanted it; needed it. 

But of course, that was inappropriate. This was a Starship, a place to be as professional as possible. She couldn’t just throw herself at the woman, despite wanting to so badly. 

She thinks back to only a week prior and how much she loathed the Betazoid. Tasha wanted absolutely nothing to do with her, and yet now, she couldn’t get enough. It was so strange how much she occupied the woman’s mind. 

Every time a negative thought would set course, all she had to do was envision Deanna in her mind. Her sweetly beautiful face, her silky smooth voice reassuring her that everything was going to be okay. The way her gentle hands felt against her body...

But again, highly inappropriate. She was aware of other close relationships among officers on the ship, most specifically Deanna and Will, but there was no way she was going to become one of them. No way. She knew how close knit relationships worked out; she’d been in plenty. Friends and lovers who once acted so kind, turned on her in an instant. Who was to say Troi wouldn’t be the same?

And yet, she knew the answer somehow. Tasha knew she wasn’t like them. The Counselor was different; kind and caring and wonderful in every single way. Though she didn’t know the woman too well, she knew these things just by seeing her interact with others on the ship. She was... incredible. 

So, as the days went by, she awaited seeing Troi again. Awaited hearing the sweet assuring words she always had to say, wanting to engulf herself in that safe environment for as long as she could. 

*

The morning of her second appointment went by excruciatingly slow, Tasha wanting nothing more than the time to speed up. She had her usual breakfast and spent a bit of time reading in her quarters before it was time for her session. 

Upon entering the Counselor’s office, she was met with a kind smile from the brunette. 

“Good afternoon, Lieutenant. I hope your week has been a bit better than the one before it.” she begins, the smile not once leaving her lips. 

“Oh, it’s been much better. Your advice really helped... I’ve been spending more time with other people on the ship in order to distract myself. It’s worked okay thus far.” the blonde replies, a soft smile rested on her face. 

“That’s wonderful!” Deanna exclaims, her smile turning into a beautiful grin. “Have you had any troubles this week?”

“A few, but not quite as many.” she answers honestly. 

“Care to talk about them?” 

“The same as usual,” Tasha sighs, gripping the fabric on her thighs. “Mostly of my parents’ death.”

The brunette nods slowly, allowing a small pause to take place as she finds the right questions to ask. 

“Did you witness their death firsthand?” she asks, crossing her legs. 

“Thankfully no,” the blonde begins, a soft sigh leaving her lips. “I was seven when they passed, Ishara just a two at the time. I didn’t understand much at the time, but I did know they passed away in an accident.” 

“What happened after that? Did you have any family to help you both out?” the Counselor follows, head tilting as she awaits an answer. 

The Lieutenant shakes her head slowly, chewing on her lower lip for a moment. “We were taken care of by a couple for a few years, maybe until I was around ten, and then they abandoned us in the middle of the night.”

Counselor Troi’s brows furrowed slightly, head shaking in disbelief. “They just... left? Why?”

“I was once a very happy child, Counselor. I loved playing and interacting with other children and people. But once my parents died... I didn’t have any joy left in me to interact with anyone. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t even want to play. I was only eight, I should’ve been energetic.

My sister was better, as she didn’t really remember the incident. She did have her own bouts of problems, I suppose, but I sadly didn’t spend much time with her in those years. I isolated mostly... My guardians at the time hated that I refused to socialize. They refused to understand what I’d been through and claimed that I should be more grateful... The man, especially, was angry with me often. He-“

Tasha took paused to take a deep breath, eyes cascading down to her lap. “He hit me a few times.”

Deanna listened, taking in every piece of information that left the woman’s mouth. It hurt her heart how much negativity Yar had been through in her life, and she wanted nothing more than to fix it. She wanted to take away the hurt and protect her from everything. 

“Natasha, I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. I understand you may think these things wouldn’t have happened if you were different, but it isn’t your doing.” she begins, offering a soft smile to ease the tension. “I am very sorry of your past, and all I can hope is that your future is better.”

“Thank you, Counselor.” 

“So, what happened after that night they abandoned you?” Troi continues, wanting to learn everything she could about the woman’s past. 

“I became the guardian, I suppose. I was around ten and Ishara was almost five. I took the responsibility of finding us food and shelter, as it was unsafe to stay in that house any longer. There were a couple of abandoned shelters on my side of Turkana IV, so it wasn’t too difficult. We stayed hidden for years, only really leaving for food. Usually I was alone for that.” the blonde explains. 

“That must have been very hard for you, having to become a parent for your little sister. How long did the two of you stay in hiding?”

“Around five years. I was fifteen when I decided to leave Turkana IV... at that point we’d been found by the Turkana IV Coalition who decided to take us in. I just... didn’t want to be there anymore. I had had so much trauma there that I needed to get away, so I did.” she explained further, sighing softly. 

“Times had been tough on the planet. I was thirteen when the rape gangs began coming after me. They introduced me to narcotics as well...”

Deanna’s face scrunched in confusion. “Narcotics?”

“Sadly. They made me feel... numb. It was nice to get away from the pain, and it became a daily occurrence for me. I began to crave it all the time... I started seeking it out before putting food on our plates,” she shook her head slowly. “But then I saw how it was hurting Ishara. I couldn’t do that to her anymore. Similarly, I could see how it was hurting me as well. I was thinning out, my emotions withering away to nothing but numbness all the time. It was a while before I felt anything again.”

“Addiction is a most terrible disease,” Deanna begins, shaking her head. “It hits you in your worst times, appearing so great and helpful. But as time goes on, the disguise fades away and it’s usually too late before you realize there’s a problem. I’m just glad you found out and got yourself help.”

“Me too,” the blonde replies.

“What occurred after you left Turkana IV?” 

“I began studying at the Starfleet Academy in Security. I hated how lawless my home planet was, and I wanted to make the galaxy a better place than what I’d grown up in. Starfleet saved me. After my time at the Academy, I was an officer on another ship. On one of my missions from them is when I met Captain Picard, and I suppose the rest is history.” she chuckles softly. 

“Well, it definitely sounds as though things turned up for you once you escaped. I know it must have been hard to leave behind everything you knew, but I can tell it was for the better.” Troi says with a smile. 

Tasha simply nods in response, feeling as though everything that needed to be said had been. She meets the Betazoid’s smile with one of her own, eyes locked with those captivating black ones she could get lost in if she so allowed herself. A couple of moments went past, both women gazing at the other, unable to speak. 

After realizing she’d been staring, the brunette clears her throat and shakes her head, replacing the smile once more with a grin. 

“Well, I think we made incredible progress today, Lieutenant. Shall I see you in a week?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Rape flashbacks

Heaviness... Tasha could feel a heaviness on top of her, tightening her entire body. She struggles against the weight unsuccessfully, groaning gently. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t move her legs or arms, almost as if someone had them bound. 

Then, nothing but pain coursed through her body, causing her to call out into the night. She could feel the heaviness shifting, almost like a person laying on top of her own body... It was hell. 

Her mind thought back to times where the men of the rape gangs on Turkana IV took their turns using her. They seemed to be everywhere on her side of town; the poorer side of the planet. They hunted down younger women, usually those alone, and captured them to use any way they saw fit. 

Being the one in charge, Tasha was the one who stepped foot out of their makeshift shelter to find food. Scavenging and hunting wasn’t easy, but the blonde eventually got the hang of it. It was almost therapeutic to provide, feeling worthy and useful for something. 

But the gangs... they were rampant. She had heard about them for years without actually seeing them. They were good at masking themselves as well, making it all the more difficult. It wasn’t until one day, when she was in one of the neighboring forests hunting, that she encountered them. Pretending to be hunters as well, these men shot the then 13 year old with an arrow that would, essentially, knock her out for a while. Enough time to transport her to their quarters. 

There was a large gap in her memory that day, not coming to until one of the disgusting men was on top of her. Tear-filled blue eyes stared up at the molded ceiling, muffled sobs filling the otherwise silent chamber. She didn’t know when she started crying, or how long she had been... She didn’t know much of anything. A large, dirty hand clamped over her mouth to keep the noise down. Not that anyone there cared or was coming to rescue her anyways. Pain filled her lower half as he used her as his own personal pleasure-toy. And once he was done, he would leave, and another man would enter to have his turn. 

Her mind was foggy, and it was hard to decipher what was going on. But she knew it wasn’t good. The second man was only worse than the first, a heavy hand grabbing her by her chin. He forced her to look up at him as he practically ripped her apart. The sounds of slapping skin echoes through her mind, mixed with her own screams. And no one cared. No one. 

These images and scenes played throughout Tasha’s mind as she slept, body tossing and turning in attempts to find comfort. 

*

Deanna usually had a hard time falling asleep early, seeing as most people trying to fall asleep had their minds running. Surges of emotion were typical at this time and she learned to wait until a bit later in the night to settle down. 

Once she falls asleep, though, she usually remains in that state of serendipity until her alarm sounds in the morning. Her mind had a way of blocking everything out as she slept, often times not even remembering her own dreams. 

But tonight was different. Her dreams, which were usually peaceful, were full of nothing but evil and chaos. Being hunted down, watching others get injured and not being able to help.... Her worst nightmare. 

It was so bad that she jolted awake, sitting straight up in her bed to try and steady herself. Her breathing was heavy, brain fuzzy from having been asleep for a couple of hours. 

And that’s when the pain started. She felt it all over... her arms, her legs, in her chest, and worst of all... between her thighs. She groans in pain, curling up in a ball on the bed for a moment to try and cease it. What was going on?

After the pain subsided a bit, she gets up to investigate what had happened to her. This was something very rare that happened, and her instincts led her directly to the quarters of Natasha Yar. 

Once Deanna realized where she was, she paused for a moment to think. She thought back to what she had said at the first session about her flashbacks, and suddenly things started to make sense. 

She presses the doorbell to chime her presence, but after a couple of failed attempts, she takes it upon herself to let herself inside. And, by the stars, was she glad she did. 

Tasha was lying on her bed, covers thrown on the ground beside it, contorted in some painful position. Her arms and legs were spread to the side, torso twisting and turning as she struggled against some imaginary force. 

Rushing over to her side, Troi shakes the blonde’s shoulder in attempts to wake her up. 

“Lieutenant Yar,” she says, continuing to shake the other woman. “Natasha, please wake up.”

The taller woman remains in her nightmarish haze, tears streaming from her closed eyes. The Counselor began feeling more and more worried, tears prickling at her own eyes as she watched this unfold. 

“Tasha, please,” she pleads, breath hitching in her throat as the woman twitches underneath her touch. She helps sit the woman up, helping her body relax until she stopped moving entirely, breathing slowing. 

A moment later the blonde’s eyes open, jumping with a gasp when the other person comes into her view. She cowers slightly, mind still focused on the nightmares she’d been having. She hadn’t quite realized the figure was a helpful one. 

“Hey, shh shh...” Deanna coos softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “It’s just me, Tasha.”

The taller woman sniffles softly, eyes trying to get used to the dark around her. Once her eyes adjust, she gazes over at the other woman, breaths slowing to a normal pace. 

“There, that’s better.” the brunette says softly, reaching up to wipe some of the tears still leaking from those beautiful blue eyes. “What happened?”

Feeling slightly embarrassed, Yar’s gaze falls to her lap, shoulders shrugging slightly. 

“I could feel it too, you know?” Troi says reassuringly. “I never once doubted you but... I woke up feeling this horrible pain. It was unbearable almost. I followed my gut and it brought me to you.” she continues, reaching her hand out to grab the pale woman’s. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I can assure you that I’m here to help in any way I can.”

The blonde nods simply, gaze falling to their joined hands before meeting her eyes once more. “Thank you,”

“You don’t have to thank me, you know. I am here for you, always.” Deanna assures, rubbing her thumb against the woman’s hand. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

Tasha thought for a second. There was something she wanted, deep down, but... could she really ask for that? Could she really? 

But, hell, after the night she’d had, how could it get any worse. 

“Well... there is one thing I wouldn’t mind.”

“And what’s that?” Deanna asks, voice as smooth as silk. 

“Forgive me if this is inappropriate... but is there any way you could stay with me for the rest of the night? I just don’t want to be alone again.” she asks quickly, words practically stumbling over each other. 

“Oh, Natasha... Of course I can.” the brunette smiles. 

Yar slides over so the woman can sit fully, sliding back down to lie down. The Betazoid settles as well, turning to face the blonde on her side. 

“Why don’t you flip over?” she suggests, voice soft. “I could, uhm... hold you if you’d like.”

Even in the darkness, the Counselor could tell the other woman was blushing. It was... sweet. 

“I’d love that but...” she pauses for a moment, not wanting what she was planning on saying to ruin anything. 

But fuck it. 

“I really enjoy just looking at you.”

Something about the way Lieutenant Yar said that made the Betazoid’s heart flutter in her chest, something that hadn’t happened in a long time. 

“Oh, yeah? Why is that?” she asks, unable to stop herself from probing questions. 

“You’re just so beautiful, Deanna...” 

A soft smile adorned the brunette’s features, hand reaching out to caress the blonde woman’s cheek. 

“As are you, Natasha. You are quite literally the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

Hearing that made the Lieutenant’s heart stop in it’s tracks and pound in her chest all at once. 

“That’s impossible. I know you’ve looked in a mirror.” the taller woman teases, a chuckle bubbling from the Counselor’s throat. 

Silence filled the room as the two women gazed at one another, smiles rested on each of their faces. Tasha, for once, felt completely safe. 

Despite how wonderful it felt to get lost in Deanna’s eyes, the blonde wanted nothing more than to study every feature she had. Her lips and how full and soft they seemed, her prominent cheekbones, her strong brows... Everything about her was absolutely breathtaking. 

Her stomach began feeling... strange. It was almost as if she was nervous, but also extremely excited at the same time. Her heart pounded hard against her chest, breaths quickening as she felt her feelings for this woman grow. 

Lost in her thoughts, Yar had no idea that she had been staring directly at the Betazoid’s lips for quite a significant amount of time. Deanna quickly took note of this, having noticed her gaze shift. 

Something about Natasha had intrigued her for so long; ever since they first met, she had felt strong feelings towards her. But they were so... different. In ways they were what she’d expected, close and warm. She always had bonded easily with the other women officers, so she had assumed Yar would be no different. But she was. Somehow, she was completely different. 

Being so drawn to emotions, Deanna could no longer hide her own. Her instincts were usually correct, and she finally allowed herself to let these come to light. 

Taking opportunity of their closeness, the brunette’s hand moves from the woman’s cheek to her chin. She lifts her face up slightly, pulling her closer as she presses her lips against her own. 

Tasha was caught off guard completely, body tensing as their lips connected. But once she fully realized what was happening, she allowed herself to fully relax into the woman’s touch. She reciprocated the kiss gently, allowing the other to take the lead. 

After a moment, Deanna pulls away to look at the blonde, expression full of mixed emotions. 

“I’m sorry... that was unprofessional of me.” the Counselor apologizes at once, a feeling of guilt washing over her body. 

“Don’t be sorry, please.” the taller woman pleads softly, staring into the other’s dark eyes. “I rather enjoyed it.”

“As did I.” she says, a soft sigh falling from her lips. The blonde could tell by her tone that she had more to say. 

“But?”

“But we can’t do this. I’m sorry.” the brunette says, pulling her body away from the other. 

Tasha felt a ping to her heart, eyes watching as the woman sits up in the bed. 

“I should go.” the shorter woman breathed out, sliding out from underneath the covers and out onto the floor beside the bed. 

“Deanna...” the blonde pleads, hand reaching out for the other as she backs away towards the door. 

“I hope you can get some sleep. Goodnight, Lieutenant.” Troi says, tone almost flat, before walking out the door. 

“Deanna, please.” 

But it was too late. The door slid shut before she could even finish her sentence, leaving her once again in darkened silence. 

Tasha stared at the door, tears prickling at her eyes, as she waited— waited for Troi to come back. She had to. There was no way she couldn’t tell how hurt she was. 

But she didn’t return. After a while, the woman gave up and curled into a ball. She grabbed the pillow from the side of the bed Deanna had been sleeping on and held it to her chest, allowing the sobs that wanted to leave her body to escape. 

And there, she cried herself to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Four days passed between that night and their next session together. The closeness that Tasha had once felt with this woman seemed to have gone away completely, not by her own accord of course, but by the Betazoid’s. 

And yet, despite everything she had said that night about unprofessionalism, she was as close with Riker as ever— long looks, personal conversations for what seemed like hours, shared laughs... Everything. She even caught them dining together multiple times in those couple of days, something she had only seen once or twice before. 

It made Tasha unbelievably angry to watch the woman she wanted to share herself with turn away from her completely, giving her entire self to another person. 

Of course the blonde knew about the two’s relationship in the past, and of the feelings Will still had for the Counselor. But up until this point, Deanna had been nothing but platonically sweet to him. Why did these other feelings suddenly begin to come out?

The Lieutenant made sure to keep her distance from everyone, afraid of getting hurt again. It was only time until everyone else said they couldn’t be personable with her for professional reasons, right? Only time before La Forge stopped stopping by her station to ask how she was doing or to tell a joke he’d come up with, only time before Data stopped enlightened her with the most interesting facts he could muster, only time before Worf stopped talking to her completely. 

So instead of waiting for that to happen, she isolated again, only leaving her room to complete her duties. No one seemed to really notice, either, as no one decided to bother her for those four days. 

The morning before her next session went by slower than ever, as if some force was playing with her anxiety. She didn’t want to see Deanna, not one bit. The fact that time was going by so slowly made her want to curl into a ball and fade into nothingness. 

But, after was was surprisingly only two hours, it was time for her to make her weekly walk down to the Counselor’s office. Something that was once so exciting was dreadful, her heart sinking in her chest as she reached the door. 

Reaching her hand up to press the bell, the woman tells her to enter. Of course she could sense her. Of course. 

‘I bet she just loves that I’m nervous,’ Tasha thinks to herself as she enters the office, not even attempting to offer a smile or greeting before sitting in a chair. 

Deanna looks at the woman with dark eyes, expression hard to read. She thought of what to say, because she really hadn’t thought about it.

Ever since that night, she’d felt off. Something about that kiss had scared her more than anything. She’d kissed many men in her time, and a few women formally, but nothing had ever felt as wonderful as that one did. And that scared the hell out of her. 

The emotions she’d been feeling were all over the place. She was angry at their situation and the fact that what she truly wanted could probably never happen. Nothing like it ever had before... it wasn’t as commonplace as it was in other places. 

Troi was also angry at herself for leaving that night. She somehow had forgotten why she was even there in the first place: To help Tasha come down from her nightmare. She had even asked her to stay, not having wanted to be alone, and she just... left. And, fuck, did she regret doing that. 

Deanna’s mood that following day was ruined, the guilt of what she had done setting in. It was unbearable, but she was much too afraid to confront the blonde about it. She was probably upset, or angry, and didn’t want to talk. After all, being her Counselor, she knew that the woman much preferred to be alone. 

Riker, being the nosy— meant with the utmost love— man he was, could tell that the Betazoid was off. They were close, and he could sense that something about her was wrong. Something had happened, and he was determined to figure out what it was. 

He probed her with questions all day, trying to figure out what it was that had set her mood off. But she wouldn’t budge. No matter how many fake smiles she offered, no matter how many forced laughs she gave, he could tell she wasn’t alright. But, she was a stubborn woman. 

They had once been closer, what one may even call a couple, at one point in time. They shared many intimate and personal moments with one another, but one day Deanna called it all off. She claimed she wasn’t comfortable doing it anymore, but never elaborated on why. Riker, though a curious man, decided to respect her wishes. 

But that didn’t stop his feelings, especially now that the Counselor was upset. He just wanted to help her feel okay again. Deanna knew this well, shooting down all his efforts as they came. This was none of his business, after all. 

But as the days went by, she loosened up, allowing his plans of spending time with her to take place. Despite the small effort, she never once explained what was happening. And she intended to keep it that way. 

The Betazoid could also sense the man’s feelings, well aware the romantic nature of them. She once reciprocated these feelings, or at least she thought she did. It never really felt right— not how love was made out to seem, anyway. That’s why she eventually set her boundaries. She was hoping she wouldn’t have to again. 

Being around him did help, at least somewhat. With the man’s jokes and positive attitude, she felt a little more at ease and a little more capable of shutting her negative emotions out. There was no one else she felt like being with, so she took his opportunities to not be alone. 

But in those four days, she never attempted to figure out what she was going to say during their next session. She couldn’t cancel it after all, as Captain Picard would definitely take notice. It would raise suspicion, especially considering how well the other sessions had gone. 

So all she could do was stare at the blonde woman sitting across from her, mind turning as she attempted to form even the smallest of sentences. 

And instead of going directly to the problem, she decided to play it off cool. Maybe this way to go about things would be successful and they’ll move on!

“Uh... How has your week been?” Deanna stutters, tone still rather flat. 

Tasha scoffs, rolling her eyes as her arms fold across her chest. “How was my week,” she breathed out, shaking her head. “You know exactly how it was.” 

The Counselor knew there was a chance of being met with anger, but it still stabbed her in the chest when it happened. She remained silent for a moment before speaking again. 

“Not entirely...” her voice trails off, a heavy sigh escaping her. “Look, Lieutenant, I’m really sorry about what happened. We just can’t do anything like that ever again, is all.”

“That’s bullshit, Deanna, and you know it!” Yar snaps, standing up from her chair. “You don’t get to tell me that and then parade around with him for the next three days, throwing your romance in everyone’s faces.”

The brunette’s face was scrunched in pure confusion, heat building inside her as the accusations were thrown her way. “Natasha, who are you-“ 

Her voice stopped in its tracks as she realized who the woman was talking about— Riker. 

A sigh leaves her lips before she attempts to save herself. “You should know that it wasn’t like that. He was simply helping me through a hard time.”

“You? Having a hard time? For what? Your life is simply perfect, Miss Troi. What ever could be wrong with it?” the Lieutenant replies dryly.

“You know, just because you have a hard time doesn’t mean no one else is. I found the other night just as unpleasant as you did.”

“Oh, really? So, let me get this straight, you had, possibly, the most intense nightmare of your life. And then, when you finally felt safe again, it was stripped from you immediately. Then, you’re left alone again with your thoughts, now worse than ever. Did that happen to you too?” she asks, voice full of anger. 

Deanna pauses for a moment, gaze falling to her lap where her hand was gripping the dress that draped over her legs. A few tears fell from black eyes, head shaking slowly. “No,” she said simply. 

“That’s what I thought.” 

A few moments of silence passed, neither woman knowing what to say. Tasha was still rather angry, the Counselor filled with guilt for what she had done. 

“I’m really sorry, Natasha. I shouldn’t have left you that night when you needed me most. I was just... scared.” she explains, gaze still not meeting the other’s. 

Feeling her frustration subside at the Betazoid’s apology, and confession, the blonde’s expression softens. 

“Scared of what?” she asks, not quite understanding what the other meant. 

Deanna didn’t respond at first, afraid to admit what she had been hiding within herself these past few weeks; something she had been battling her whole life. 

“Of how I feel about you.” she says finally, looking up at the woman at last. “I’ve been in my share of relationships, but nothing has ever felt this way. The way I feel about you is... intense and passionate, something I’ve never felt with another soul before.”

Tasha could tell the brunette needed to get this off her chest, so she remained quiet. 

“I’ve only ever been with men... I just thought I hadn’t found the right one and that’s why nothing felt right. But that wasn’t it,” she sighs softly, sniffling as she attempts to calm herself more. 

“I think I’m a lesbian, Tasha.”

The blonde offers the woman a soft smile, wanting her to know that she was completely safe and supported. 

“There’s nothing wrong with that, you know. I’m also a lesbian... which I’m sure you’ve gathered already.” the Lieutenant chuckles softly. 

“I know,” the Betazoid begins, nodding her head. “It’s just not as commonplace as it once was. Reproduction became as important as ever, and homosexual people shut themselves out again... I never really knew any on Betazed, so it was easier for me to hide.”

“Turkana IV didn’t have any either, from what I’m aware of... But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Love is important and valuable in all forms.” Yar assures, tone softened. 

“I’m just scared of what the others will think of it... How will they react?”

“Well, if they act in any other way but positively, they’ll have to deal with me.”

Deanna offers a weak smile, wiping her eyes. “Thank you... And I really am sorry again for what I did.”

“I’m not mad anymore... I understand how hard it is to come to terms with your sexuality. It took over my mind for months, and I was scared beyond belief. But everyone’s been kind about it. The crew loves you, Deanna... I’m sure this won’t change anything.”

“I hope so...” she replies, trying to keep hope that the other woman was right. “But that doesn’t help my entire situation.”

The Lieutenant gives the other a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

“You know...” the brunette draws out for a moment. “My feelings for you. I’m your counselor, I can’t just... be with you.”

“Why not? Are there Starfleet regulations specifically saying otherwise?” 

“I’m sure there’s something in there about relationships between people and their superiors,” she sighs softly. 

“What about you and Riker? That must have had some sort of rule against it.”

“It probably did,” the Betazoid shrugged. 

“What if we just didn’t tell anyone— kept it secret? What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” the blonde suggests, a sly smile on her face. 

The Counselor thinks for a moment, lips scrunched to one side as she thought. 

“That could work... I’ll think about it.”

The sound of a communicator interrupts them, a soft sigh leaving the brunette’s lips as she’s summoned to the Bridge. 

“Sorry to cut this short, Lieutenant. I’ll see you next week?”

“Always.”


	10. Chapter 10

The rest of Tasha’s afternoon was rather slow, as the Captain liked to schedule as little shifts for her on that day as possible. This day in particular she had had none, so she decided to spend some time in her room to think over everything that had happened. 

Not only did Deanna confess her feelings for her, but she came out to her as well. That was something she never saw coming, not even once. Of course the Counselor had to have liked women, because of the way she kissed her, but she really assumed she liked men. 

It made the Lieutenant feel all warm inside to think about the way she made that woman feel. That woman... God, that woman. 

Troi was nothing short of a goddess, something that she was sure anyone could see. Her beautiful eyes, though dark, held so much emotion and depth. Her beautiful curls and how soft they looked. Yar wanted nothing more than to run her fingers through her hair. 

She thought about Deanna for what felt like hours, but in reality only was a few minutes, before deciding to take use of her time to do something productive. 

Her quarters were rather messy after being neglected for almost a week, so she took the time to tidy it up. It was less daunting than it looked, thankfully, so it didn’t take but maybe an hour to fully finish. 

Once she was done, she sat at the small table in her room to read a book. She hadn’t read in what felt like decades, and she quite missed immersing herself into fiction. 

And she did just that. It wasn’t until she heard a chime from her communicator that she snapped out of it. 

“Counselor Troi to Lieutenant Yar,” that beautifully familiar voice says, a smile instinctively forming on the blonde’s lips. “Meet me in my quarters in half an hour. Wear something nice.”

A grin found its way onto Tasha’s face, closing her book before making her way to the small closet in her room. She flipped through the items for a while, trying to decide on what to wear. What would Deanna want her to wear? What did she mean by ‘nice’?

She eventually decided on a blazer and a pair of pants that were nice, but still casual. The shirt was her next problem. Part of her wanted to wear something like a simple shirt underneath but... she had a shirt she hadn’t worn in years. She wore it once on a date— a very unsuccessful date— and she never wore it again. 

So she tried it on and looked at herself in the mirror, taking a deep breath before allowing herself to look fully. It was a tank top of sorts with a low v neck, lace around the edges of it. Though objectively it was nice, she couldn’t stop the disgust that creeped into her body as she looked at her chest. She swallowed hard as she stared at it, blinking back tears of frustration that were building up. 

She decided to take the shirt off quickly, not wanting that image to ruin the rest of her night. Obviously Deanna wanted to talk to her, possibly even have dinner with her considering the time and request to dress nice. The evening seemed nice, so she mustn’t ruin it now. 

Tasha goes to her original plan of a plan shirt, finishing off getting dressed before fixing her hair. She topped the look off with a cologne, one she only wore for special occasions, and headed to Troi’s quarters. 

She rang the doorbell, butterflies swarming in her stomach, and entered at the approval of the other. Deanna wore a beautiful dark purple dress, one that hugged her curves in every best possible way, and that perfect smile on her lips. 

“Thank you for coming, Natasha.” she says, voice soft and welcoming. 

“No, thank you for inviting me.” the blonde replies, a genuine smile on her lips. 

“I, uh,” Deanna pauses for a moment, cheeks flustered, “I got us dinner. I thought we could talk more about what you said earlier.”

“That’s very kind.” she says, her own cheeks growing warm. 

The brunette leads her to the candlelit table, a plate of something that looked all too familiar to Yar, and pulls out the chair on one side. 

“Sit, please.” she says, an almost smirk on her face. Tasha sits, eyes following the other as she sits in front of her. 

“Is this.. what I think it is?”

“Yes. I did a little research on popular dishes on Turkana IV and thought you might like this one.” the Betazoid says proudly, a happy smile on her face. 

“It was my favorite when I lived there. I haven’t had it since... I never trusted the computers enough to replicate it.”

“I made a few adjustments to their preexisting recipe based on what I read about it, and I hope it’s even better than you remember.” she says genuinely. 

“I’m speechless... No one’s ever done anything like this for me before.” Yar replies honestly, cheeks flushed. 

“That’s hard to believe. You’re such a beautiful and wonderful woman, I can’t imagine someone not wanting to do nice things for you.” Troi says shocked, leaning her head on her hand. 

That word resonated in the blonde’s head cacophonously, chest tightening. She tried to listen to what Deanna was saying but her mind was zoning out completely with thoughts of what had happened earlier. 

“Tasha?” the brunette says, noticing the woman’s gaze drift away. “Natasha... Are you alright?”

The Lieutenant swallows hard before taking a deep breath, shaking her head. She looks back over at the other woman, preparing herself for what she was about to admit. 

“You came out to me earlier, and I think it’s my turn... I don’t really know much on this subject, as the files on it in the computer are limited, but I’m nonbinary.” the Lieutenant says quickly, bracing herself to be met with disproval. 

A puzzled look adorns the Betazoid’s face, the blonde allowing herself to elaborate. 

“I’m not exactly a... woman. But I’m not a man, either. I’m something entirely different— something separate from both. I prefer to present in a masculine way, though.”

The brunette pauses for a moment to process the information, not having heard of this before now. “So you’re not a woman, but not a man, and you like to present masculinely.” 

“Yes, exactly that.” Yar replies. 

Troi smiles softly, relieved that it wasn’t something worse than what it was. “Is that all?”

“Well... Kind of?” the Lieutenant says, gaze shifting away. “My body disgusts me daily. Every time I look in the mirror, I hate what I see.”

Troi’s lips turn to a frown, that statement making her heart ache. “Well I can assure you that you’re very beautiful in my eyes... You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”

The use of a gender neutral term made the blonde smile. “Thank you... It’s just hard to believe that when you’re anatomy doesn’t exactly fit.”

“In what way?”

“Well, my breasts for one. I’ve never liked them ever since I developed them. I’d much rather have a flat chest. Another thing is that I’d like to microdose on the human hormone testosterone, which would deepen mh voice and give me other masculine changes.”

Deanna nods her head slowly. “But you don’t want a...”

“A penis? God, no.” Tasha laughs softly, shaking her head. 

“A mixture of masculinity and femininity. Is that what being non binary is?” the Counselor questions. 

“Not always, no. Some people feel a true connection with one gender but, at the same time, don’t relate to gender as a construct at all. Others feel no gender at all, some feel both at once. Some even feel both of those at the same time.” the blonde explains, taking a break to finally breath. She tended to get intense when passionately talking like that. “Anyways, gender is very complex for some people.”

“So it seems.” the Betazoid replies with a chuckle. “But I find that beautiful and fascinating. Is there anything else I should know about you?”

“Well... pronouns are very gendered in language. You, for example, use she/her pronouns. Since I’m not fond of being a woman, I would prefer to be referred to with the neutral they/them pronouns. So instead of saying ‘talk to her’ you would say ‘talk to them’ and so forth.”

“That, I think I can do. I’ve encountered other species who, too, use gender neutral pronouns. I’m not sure if you were aboard the ship for that.” the woman reminisces. 

“I was, actually. I was very shy then.” the blonde chuckled. “That’s actually what made me think of using them. I find they suit me better.”

“I think so too. You make more sense to me now. I could read you but I also... didn’t understand you. But now I do.”

Despite all of the positivity they were being met with, they still felt nervous. “And none of this bothers you?”

“Not at all. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.” Deanna says simply, holding her hand out for the other to take. And she did. 

So they ate their dinner, finally, and talked more about gender and the different ways in which Yar felt it. It was a wonderfully open and welcoming conversation on both sides. 

Once their meal was finished, Deanna remembered exactly what she’d brought the other there for. 

“Tasha... I think I’ve made a decision on our relationship. While I am afraid of what could happen, I don’t think I can deny my feelings for you any longer. I want to be with you in any way I can.”

The blonde didn’t respond for a moment, happiness coursing through their body. They couldn’t believe what they was hearing, she was speechless she was-

“Dear?” the brunette says, causing the other’s heart to flutter. 

“Are you sure? You know this could be bad for both of us.”

She nods. “I do. But I’m willing to take that risk.”

“Me too.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Smut

After their conversation, Deanna invited the Lieutenant into her more personal quarters. It was dimly lit, soft classical music playing over the speakers. The brunette sits down on the bed, patting the space next to her for the other to sit. 

Once both had settled, the Betazoid took the paler one’s hand in her own and squeezed gently, dark eyes gazing into soft blue ones. She felt so at ease in the presence of the blonde, but also so nervous. She wanted to do everything right— everything perfect. 

“You’re so beautiful, Tasha.” the woman speaks, voice as smooth as silk. 

“Shhh,” they shush, cheeks turning a light shade of pink. “You’re the beautiful one here. You’re so stunning, I can barely help myself around you.”

“Is that so?” the brunette asks, tongue flicking over her bottom lip as her gaze falls to the other’s lips. 

Noticing this, Tasha takes the initiative and pulls the woman into a passionate kiss; one much more satisfying than the other they shared days ago. The Betazoid reciprocates immediately, hand trailing up to rest on the blonde’s chest. 

Their kiss deepened after a few moments, Deanna sliding her tongue between the other’s parted lips. Yar’s tongue slid against the woman’s desperately, pushing themself against her body. They could feel themselves growing hot between their legs as their kiss continued, something the Counselor sensed right away. It was almost as intense as her own growing arousal.

Tasha’s hands began roaming the woman’s body, feeling the curves of her waist before feeling up her breasts gently. This elicited a soft moan from her, causing the blonde’s heart to skip a beat. 

A moment or so later, they part to catch their breaths, Deanna looking up at the other with hazy eyes.

“Tasha,” she says between heavy breaths.

“Yes?”

“I want you so badly.” she replies, gripping the fabric against their chest. “I need you, now.”

Tasha wasted no time after hearing those words, reaching around to unzip the dress she was wearing. The dark purple fabric fell off of her shoulders, exposing the soft skin there, and was then pulled down and off of the woman entirely. A soft blush adorned the Betazoid’s cheeks as her body was exposed to the other, clad only in a pair of lace underwear. 

The blonde’s eyes scanned the woman’s body, taking in every beautiful feature. “God, you’re gorgeous.” they say, eyes meeting the woman’s once more before kissing her again. 

Deanna’s fingers worked at unbuttoning the other’s blazer, pulling it off of them before tugging at their shirt. The Lieutenant parted from them to remove it before resuming their kiss, allowing the other items of clothing they were wearing to be stripped off. 

Once down to their undergarments, they slowly began to kiss down the brunette’s neck. They noted how she gasped as they reached lower, near her collarbones, and the way she squirmed underneath their touch. It was erotic. 

It wasn’t long before the blonde’s lips were at her breasts, kissing them gently before taking a hard nipple in her mouth. Deanna moaned, mouth shut to muffle it, as the other’s tongue swirled around it gently before pulling away. 

“Tasha, please... I need you... I need you touching me, please.” she begs. 

A smirk crept on the Lieutenant’s face, allowing their fingers to trace the lace across her hips. After a moment, they pulled them down and threw them somewhere across the room, causing the brunette to chuckle softly. 

Moving to settle between the woman’s thighs, Tasha’s fingertips dance across the skin of her thighs. A soft sigh leaves Deanna’s lips as she’s further teased, hips twitching needfully. 

“Please... I can’t take much more of this from you... I’ve been thinking about you fucking me all evening.”

That statement echoed in the blonde’s mind, switching off a switch inside of her brain. Her hand trails between the Counselor’s thighs, a single finger trailing up her sex. God, was she wet. 

Tasha then begins a gentle rhythm against the Betazoid’s clit, another muffled moan leaving her after a few moments. They kept the rhythm for a while, allowing her to get used to it, before switching it up to something entirely different. 

“More... I need more,” Deanna pleads, eyes full of lust gazing up at them desperately. 

Pulling away from her clit, the blonde teases at the woman’s entrance for a moment before inserting a single finger. A gasp escapes the Betazoid, eyes rolling back as the Lieutenant begins sliding in and out of her. 

Her breaths picked up, lips parted, as the other began quickening their pace inside of her. Upon feeling her loosen up slightly, a second finger was inserted slyly. An opened mouth moan leaves the woman’s lips, eyes squeezed shut. 

Tasha quickens their pace once more, angling their fingers upwards as they did so. Deanna’s response was incredibly beautiful, another loud moan filling the air as her eyes snapped open to meet lustful blue ones. 

They kept eye contact as they continued fucking her, dark painted lips parted as heavy, audible breaths leave them. Yar took this opportunity to maneuver their hand so they could rub at her clit with their thumb. Troi’s back arches in delight, hands moving to grab at her own breasts as she moans happily. 

“God, yes, keep doing that.” she manages to get out through heavy breaths. 

Tasha continues their pace, eyes focused on the woman’s face as pleasures takes over her being. Every expression she made, ever sound that escaped her, only made the blonde more and more aroused. Their movements intensified after a while, wanting nothing more than to watch this beautiful woman come undone. 

“Natasha,” she moans out beautifully, eyes rested shut, chest rising and falling heavily. “I’m close... Please don’t stop,”

And they didn’t. They kept going, even after they felt the woman tighten around them, moans indicating her quickly coming climax. Her hands flailed to grab onto something, eventually the sheets, hips jerking wildly as the pleasure took over completely. She swore repetitively, something that turned the blonde on highly, as her muscles tightened. Tasha watched as her mouth opened fully, the loudest moans she’d ever heard forcing their way out as their efforts doubled. 

She came, at last, with the other’s name on her lips, body shaking as the pace inside of her slowed to a stop. After a few moments, Deanna’s eyes reopened to look up at the other as she panted softly. 

“You’re so amazing at that,” she says shyly, face red. 

“And you’re insanely sexy, Deanna.” they reply, biting at their lower lip slightly. 

“You think so?” she teases, sitting up from her position.

“God, yes. I’ve always thought so, but after seeing you like that...”

“It’s got you soaked, hm?” 

Blue eyes widen slightly at the reply, heat growing between her thighs. She tightened them, trying to push the feeling down, but it only made it worse. 

“Poor baby... so needy for me.” Deanna draws out, voice sultry.

She pulls the blonde on top of her, tugging at her underwear until she was able to slide them down and off. She then reaches around to unclasp the person’s bra, allowing it to fall onto the bed next to them. 

Dark eyes take in the beauty in front of her, tongue flicking against her lower lip before she leans up to kiss the other. Her hands guide their hips as she spreads her legs, maneuvering the blonde so they were straddling one of her thighs. 

She then pushes her leg upwards, skin meeting that between the blonde’s legs. They were soaked, as she expected, and already desperately rocking against her. Troi guides her pace with her hands, gazing up at the blonde as they slide against her happily, head thrown back in pure bliss. 

“Fuck, Deanna,” they breathe out, leaning forward to rest their hands on either side of her body. 

They remained this way for a while before begging for more, unable to get full satisfaction from their current position. The Counselor eagerly allowed this, moving so the other could lay down with her between their legs. 

She used two fingers to rub at their swollen clit, starting in slow circles. She increased her pace with the louder the Lieutenant got, gaze watching them as they writhed beneath her. 

It wasn’t long before Tasha felt close, the previous activity having riled her up quite a bit. Deanna could sense this, adding a little more pressure to their bundle of nerves. 

Hovering over them, Deanna begins kissing at their neck, sucking the skin before nibbling at it gently. Yar shivered underneath her, letting out a content moan. 

“Cum for me, baby... I know you want to. You can do it,” she coaxes, sliding her fingers down to insert one inside of her. 

Tasha gasps surprisingly, moaning loudly as the woman begins pumping her finger quickly, bending them up towards where she needed them most. 

It was only a few more moments before the blonde came undone, a string of swears leaving her lips. Deanna continued her pace until their muscles relaxed, pulling out of her slowly. 

Blue eyes reopen to watch as the brunette sucks on her finger, tasting the other with a moan. If they weren’t so tired, they would be fucking her again for that. But their eyes felt heavy. 

The Betazoid lies down next to the other, rolling over to face them. A warm smile adorns her features, hand reaching up to caress the other’s cheek. 

“I loved that,” she says simply. 

“Me too... A lot.” the blonde replies, leaning into her touch. 

A moment of silence went by where the two just looked at each other adoringly, nothing but love filling the both of them. 

“So what does this make us, then. Surely friends don’t do what we just did.” Yar asks curiously.

“I think I may like to call you my partner if you would like that.” she replies, a soft smile on her lips. 

“I would love that.”

Deanna smiles, leaning forward to kiss the other gently before resting her head in the crook of their neck. 

“Will you stay with me tonight?” she asks, voice small. 

“Of course, darling. I’d want nothing else.”

And with that, the two of them settled with each other in their arms and fell asleep. The best sleep either had had in a long time.


End file.
